How We Gather Matters
I’ve been thinking about …
Organizational Culture. Community. Rituals. Belonging. Gathering. In fact, I have written a few articles about putting organizations back together again. This is an interesting time for organizations and their leaders. Much to think about.
Then I was listening to Brene Brown’s podcast interview with Priya Parker about her book The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. I was fascinated with this conversation about gathering. Interestingly, I realized I bought her book months ago and didn’t read it yet. So that is what I am reading now.
The whole interview is worth a listen, but this is what I learned from the interview. For the past 15 years, Priya has been helping leaders and communities have complicated conversations about community and identity and vision at moments of transition and moments of conflict and disagreement. During this post-covid world, doesn’t this describe most organizations, many families, some communities?
And during COVID, people had to gather differently. Parker defines a gathering as “the conscious bringing together of people for a reason, shaping the way we feel, the way we think, and the way we make sense of the world.”
She also believes a gathering is any time three or more people come together with a purpose. Based on this definition, Parker says her conclusions about gathering can be applied to shape weddings, funerals, family reunions, protests, board meetings, and more. The key question is this: How to create a sense of belonging?
Parker is trained in conflict resolution, but she said most people avoid conflict. While we know this, she described “unhealthy peace” defined as an inability or refusal to see, to name, or to engage in the issue or conflict. When this happens, nothing gets solved. Nothing improves. I thought to myself, “This is where we are right now. Families. Organizations. Friends. Just don’t talk about politics or anything of real significance because we might disagree.”
This is one of Parker’s quotes from the podcast:
“But here’s the great paradox of gathering. There are so many good reasons for coming together that often we don’t know precisely why we’re doing so. You are not alone if you skip the first step in convening people meaningfully, committing to a bold, sharp, purpose. When we skip this step, we often let old or faulty assumptions about why we gather dictate the form of our gatherings. We end up gathering in ways that don’t serve us, or not connecting when we ought to.”
During the podcast, Parker explains how many of the rituals that used to be in workplaces have disappeared. But the need for meaningful gatherings still exists.
This book is so practical and thought-provoking. What are the different ways we gather? Strategic planning retreats. Birthday parties, weddings, and baby showers. Dinner parties and office events. Townhall meetings. Business conferences and the list goes on. Parker gives advice on how to make each gathering meaningful and memorable. She guides us on how to make each gathering a good use of time when we are all too busy.
The key questions to ask include:
What is the purpose of the gathering?
What are the desired outcomes of the gathering?
If you are a regular reader, you know my Dad died in December 2020 with 95.5 years of life experience. It has been harder than I thought because he seemed as if he would live forever — even though I know that is naïve of me to think.
When my Mom died in 2018, Dad was not at peace until we were able to have a service in my hometown church. He wanted it as soon as possible, but we had to wait a month so that all three of my sons could attend. The “gathering” was comforting to Dad in so many ways. Because of COVID, we wanted to wait until people could safely gather. So it is important we honor Dad in this same way.
We are having his service in my hometown this fall on a day my three sons, five cousins, and friends can gather to celebrate a long and memorable life.
Regardless of the group that is gathering, remember that how we gather matters. Make it matter.
